Ten years ago around Valentine's Day I was finally able to get up the courage to close the door to a relationship that I though was "THE ONE". It had been on and off for the past eight years, including one complete year of no contact. He was (and still is) a wonderful man. He was probably the best friend I ever had and was there for me through some very rough times. When he was into the relationship, it was great but when he chose to run, I chased and cried and it seemed just about the time I would decide enough is enough he would come back and be the sweetheart I knew him to be and I would run right back to repeat the whole thing over again. On and off for EIGHT years.
But something changed in me. I don't know how or why but I knew I had to give up. He was not going to change and there would never be the "happily ever after" I wanted. Whatever reasons or excuses I could make up for him not loving me didn't work anymore. I was scared...what if I never met anyone else...what if I never got married (I was already 30.)..what if...what if. But I did it. I went to his house on a Saturday to give him a birthday present and a Valentine's Day present. I didn't make a speech or even tell him what I had decided, but as I left his house that day I said "Goodbye". I cried a little, mourning what was ending, but knowing that I had done what I had to do.
About this same time and almost as a joke, I had placed a personal ad on Yahoo personals. I had gotten a couple of replies and had talked to two people on the phone and met one in person. Sadly there were no sparks and I was sure I wouldn't find anyone that way and I was, in the back of my mind, still holding on to the "maybe" of 8 years.
Imagine my surprise when I checked my email on Monday and had a reply to my personal ad...and not just any reply either, but a reply from someone who gave me enough information to figure out his sister had worked with my mom at one time. Someone who his sister talked about a lot. Someone who my mom told me I had better write back. Someone who had now been my husband for almost nine years. Someone with whom I am parenting three of the most precious blessings ever.
I truly believe that God gave me M when he did because I finally had the courage to say "Goodbye" and really mean it. I was terrified of never being a wife and mother. I was terrified that I would never be good enough to be loved. But God knew I would never be ready to be loved until I truly let go of the idea that after eight years A would finally see the light.
A little more than a year ago A contacted me and asked to talk to me. He apologized for the way he treated me and told me some things that were going on in his life that explained a lot about his behavior. I assured him that I had forgiven him a long time ago and that I've never regrettted our relationship. It shaped me into who I am and made me so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I'm just glad I finally found the courage to say "Goodbye" and close the door on my own so God could open the one he had waiting for me.
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